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Lunar new year is a time of celebration of reunion and rebirth; the start of a new beginning. In the web of intricate lies and deceit that we call our lives, is there a beginning and and end?
How similar are our lives with those of the geishas! They live behind painted faces, performing exquisite dances that they spent their lifetimes perfecting and selling their mizuages to the highest bidder. We live behind carefully constructed masks, which we spent many years learning how to construct, performing each intellectually challenging task and selling our lives to the highest bidder of our services. (career, i mean).
How many of us are like Hatsumomo, who seeks passion in a reckless manner and eventually self-destruct? It can be in material wealth, acheiving good grades, anything. Someone who just can't stand competition in our lives.
How many of us are like Mameha, who keep our true desires so tightly bridled that there come times when we are overwhelmed by the hopelessness of our situations and spread this sense of desolation to other who want to succeed?
How many precious few of us are like Sayuri, who manages to continue fighting and through determination and luck carry on towards our goals?
I say at some point in our lives we've been either of the 3 but most of us end up as Mameha, who simply accept life as it is and try to make the best of it. I'm in my Mameha stage now. The past years of being a mix of Sayuri and Hatsumomo has left me with less than pleasant memories which i try not to remember, unless for reflection purposes.
How do i get back on track? Before that, what is my goal? Once it was to get in SAJC, then it was to get into Law. After the latter failed, i was lost in my ways. Nothing could really motivated me to work to my fullest. In everything i did, it was always between 10-98%, never 100%. Now, i'm tired of that. I want to glorify God with my acts and giving haphazard work isn't going to help.
What about you? Where are you now?
Reflective Ciaoz...
dreamt of @ 12:44 am
Today is the 20th lunar chinese new year that i've celebrated in my life and i'm finding it kind of meaningless.
It used to symbolise a period of great festivity; gatherings with family members, having great food to eat, lots of cartoons to watch, no school for 3 days. Then it became having great food to eat, lots of cartoons to watch, no school for 3 days but lots of homework to make up for it and lots of ang baos to collect. Now, it's just no school for 3 days and possibly the whole of next week and having some great food to eat. Why has the meaning of Chinese new year degenerated so much for me?
Just yesterday i saw a great book in Times bookshop titled, " Having God as my CEO" or something like that. It talks about how people, really bright people who are supposed to have a great future and a life of corporate success experience burn outs because they are so concerned with bottomlines instead of values. The analogy used was that they were running a treadmill that would never be satisfied and would keep making more and more demands after they reach each target/goal. Instead of doing that, it was advised that they should put God's values in place and run the organization as God would have wanted it to be ran; people first, values first. Sounds familiar? Yep, you're right! That's what is being advocated by the new generation of HR professionals and many successful corporate leaders. It's also about corporate governance. After so many years of trying to find the best way to run a company, the answer was actually with us all along.
Don't believe me? Look for the book yourself at Centrepoint Times Bookshop. It quotes the story of Medtronics's CEO, Bill George, i think. Very inspiring.
Anyway the relevance to my earlier comment about CNY? I'm wondering how i can ask God to fit in in CNY so that it doesn't seem so, as one of my friends termed it, " secular".
Gong Xi Fa Cai! Ciaoz!
dreamt of @ 1:33 am
Dear friends or anyone in particular who happens to read this entry, i'll like to share with you a joke and a story which i read on a friend's blog. (Thanks Sze Chao!) Here it goes: Story: Paid in Full To this is I say, " God works in ways we do not know, but bring about miracles that we can only imagine." Joke: An Atheist
One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry. He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door. Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water.She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it slowly, and then asked, "How much do I owe you?""You don't owe me anything," she replied. "Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness."He said, "Then I thank you from my heart." As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit.Year's later that young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease. Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room.Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once. He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to the case.After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval.He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill.She read these words....."Paid in full with one glass of milk"(Signed)Dr. Howard Kelly.Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: "Thank You, God, that Your love has spread abroad through human hearts and hands."
A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different."Because I'm not an atheist."Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?""I'm a Christian."The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian."Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly."What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"She paused, and smiled. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an atheist."
Okie pplz, that's all from me! Have a great chinese new year! Bring on the pineapple tarts and bak kwa! Ciaoz!
dreamt of @ 1:05 am
Made another cold call! King Wan Corporation HR... i was so nervous and unsure of what i wanted to ask her. Luckily she seems like such a nice person! Or at least she didn't flare up at me or anything. Whew!
I find it so hard to make cold calls when i'm not working... don't know why. I believe the identity that i'm assuming might have played a part. Coz when i'm working i'm Joanne the telemarketer/ Editorial intern. Just now, i was Joanne/ NTU student. A bit less credible.
Anyway, things seem to be looking up a little. I'm happy for that. Now to try Prudential. I hope they are as nice or nicer. I hope i don't screw up again.
Till next time! Ciaoz... Thanks God!
dreamt of @ 12:10 pm
I recieved the Holy Spirit on my one month anniversary. It was... a nice experience. I always enjoy follow-ups. Frankly speaking, i'm upset with myself for sinning even after recieving the Holy Spirit. I think i must be one of those hopeless cases. Sometimes i think if God suddenly wipes out all the evil in the world and i'm gone because of it, i'll feel better. He's too kind... too gracious to me. I think i'm not deserving of it, although my name does mean " God is gracious."
I wish i could throw myself into the sea and re-emerge a cleansed soul. I'm supposed to have been given something better; the baptism of the Holy Spirit. Still didn't learn to cherish this but went on to sin. I hate myself. Maybe it'll be better off if he just struck me down with a lightning bolt. I know i don't really deserve this but i hope that before he does that, he can forgive me of my sins, just as Jesus did in the past.
I think if i were to throw myself into the sea, i'd be drown before i cleanse myself of all my sins.
Frustrated Ciaoz.
dreamt of @ 9:41 am
Missed a driving lesson... 60 bucks flown out of the window... Shucks.
Oh well, at least i've got a chance to enjoy some free time before the accounting lecture starts later at 12.30. Anyway, i've got to remember to go for the driving lesson at 345pm.. Anyway kind soul out there who reads this entry, please do a this gal a favor and remind her! Haha... i'll definately try to remember it (60bucks.. ouch!) but it doesn't help to have people reminding me. =P
Went out yesterday to help Da buy his CNY clothes and it was quite a hilarous experience. I guess the both of us were in a very giggly mood. =P Kept laughing non-stop at the slightest provocation.
Nothing much is new lately, except that today is the 25 of Jan... So i'm celebrating my first month as a christian! Hahah.. Man Yue! Just thought of it! Cool.. Oh... i've got to remember to submit my resume for the phase one thingy. So troublesome... and i wonder if i can actually make it in. I hope i can!
Been spending money like water and i dread looking at my bank account statement. Just blew 69 on a pair of jeans yesterday at Giordano. However, it's very justifiable. I've only got one pair of working jeans! My sis was complaining about me wearing hers, so it's quite alright for me to buy that... though the 60 bucks this morning was really uncalled for.
I think i need an accountant to tell me how much i have left and how much i've spent coz i don't dare to find it out myself. Problem is, i don't think i can afford to pay the accountant! =)
Hmm... nothing much now, so ciaoz pplz! God bless you all today and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow...
dreamt of @ 9:24 am
I just had a quarrel with my sis. What can i say? I hate quarrelling with her.
Everytime we quarrel, i have to see her cry. Don't get me wrong; i don't have any preference towards people crying. Although i don't want her to cry, i don't think i should say that everything is alright when it isn't just to make sure she's happy. How can she understand what i'm trying to show her if i give in to her everytime?
She's basically a nice kid; sweet, pretty, a some what sociable person, who's very goal-oriented. The thing is, i can't understand how she can be so stubborn about things at times. Besides, i wish she won't keep shedding tears everytime she faces an obstacle in her life. How do you expect people to respect you if you break down and dissolve into tears at the slightest hint of pressure?
The thing that i've dreaded since the day she joined the band has happened. She's finally told me that she feels pressurized by people who keep comparing her with her seniors and alumni. Mostly, i think she feels that people are comparing between the two of us. I didn't want her to join the band, let alone be in the same section as i was for the very reason that i wanted to spare her the possibility of facing this. Personally, if she were a stronger person, i'd worry a lot lesser, but the truth is, she's too soft to survive in such an environment. She needs to learn to stand up for her rights and the rights of her section. Most importantly, the section needs to respect itself and buck up!
In any case,if those people did what they did to the section while i was around, i'd give them a piece of my mind, DM or not DM! It's basic respect to keep quiet when your conductor is teaching another section. Besides, there's no better way to start a divide in the band than to do this very act of isolating and ostracizing sections. I mean, what are you trying to prove? That you can count better than the conductor? or that your fellow bandmates are idiots?
Well, i'm far too affected to pen a nicely worded entry, so this will do for now. Besides, Kai seems to be MIAing. NUts!
Angry Ciaoz!
dreamt of @ 11:30 pm
I've just realised that making a decision is not the hard part; standing by it is. Becoming a Christian was a long time dream of mine. In the rebel years of my life, i had boldly showed that i had all intentions of becoming a Christian, from refusing to go to temples to outrightly hinting it, none too subtlely.
Yet now, 5 years later, I'm troubled my decision. On one hand, there's God. On the other hand, there's everyone else that i've cared for throughout my entire life. I had naively thought that if Kai was with me, i could bear the reactions of everyone else. Sadly, i discovered today that i can't.
When i think of how disappointed my mum would be, i just feel like crying. I've always had such a love-hate relationship with her. Yet, without her, i'll never have become who i am today.She's been the well of wisdom and knowledge in my life. She was the one i looked up to the most; the one i wanted to emulate, to become, to make proud of.
Despite everything that other people may think, she's the one who's had the greatest impact on my life and I know that because i love her so deeply, it hurts me to know now that i'm lying to her and one day may cause her to feel hurt by my actions.
She's had so much pain in her life and i'm going to bring more one day, on top of every hurt and pain that i've inflicted on her throughout my life. I'm not sure i want to live to see that day.
Will You please grant me a miracle and make my mum believe in You too? Please...
dreamt of @ 1:01 am
Hype or happening? For the first time in 2 years, my mum actually asked if i regretted not going to SMU. What was i to say? I'm not sure if i would have like it there and if i would have done better there but i guess, it's human nature to have the counterfactual thinking. "If only...if only..."; these are all too familiar words.
I could have made so many "if only,.." comments and i think i actually did, but it hasn't really did much for me. I've only made myself feel worse. I wonder if something bad always happens when i don't listen to my mum.
NTU(+)=tutorship, band friends, Kai, bird, Fast Cat group mates, Huiying, Hui xian, current "chickie" family and CG.
NTU(-)=bad grades (my fault,really), uncertain future, some bad band experiences, some lecturers that i never understand ( language barrier!).
SMU(+)= Mum's support, supposedly "hot" market for graduates, familiar band culture and some friends, possibility of better grades because of the grading system used (i'm a vocal person.. but i need the environment to be conducive first =)
SMU(-)= really far away, some people that i don't think i want to see, being away from Kai.
Score (NTU)= +5
(SMU)= +2
Hmm, but the weightages for grades... i think in the end i'm the one who cause all of this to happen. Should have studied harder... much much harder.
It's a bit too late now to start regretting my choice of schools, but i only hope it's not too late to make a difference to my future.
Sad Ciaoz...
dreamt of @ 10:30 pm
Group work by any other name would still be as unpredictable!
For those uni pplz out there, you know what i mean! Haiz.. just when you think you've got a great group, one silly person has to be a pain and cause trouble. I half suspect that these people are deliberately doing this because they think that the rest of us are too free but then again... who knows?
People often remark that smart people are hard to understand because they think in ways that are "out of the box". Seriously, who came up with this term anyway? It's one of those smart people again... So they are the ones who view our brains, minds and heads as a box. What a nice way to put things.
Personally, i think that smart people are often thought to be hard to understand because there are some "smart people", who just aren't that smart. There's a very fine line between being smart and being obnoxious and confused but trying to cover it up by appearing intelligent. The trick, as i have observed, is to confuse other people so that they really don't know what you are talking about.
Well.. what do you know... maybe they are smart. Afterall, con-man, fast talkers and such are supposed to be smart.
dreamt of @ 5:14 pm
Hi everyone! Haven't been blogging for the past couple of days... but seriously, i don't think anyone really missed my blog more than me! =P Anyway, i've been down with a little bout of flu, all thanks to the horrid weather we've been having lately, a serious lack of sleep( 8 hours in 2 days) and my "dear friend", who was coughing beside me throughout practice... It's more bark than bite, this flu of mine because i feel worse than i really am. How did i know that? Heheh... coz the doctor said so.
Well, mine must be a flu bug with PMS because at times i feel perfectly fine, just a little cold but other times, completely wretched.
Hmm, concert's coming up in 4 days time and i'm not the least bit affected. I wonder why. =P Maybe it's because this is one of the few concerts in which i have had nothing much to do. No worrying about this and that, just purely playing. Although a lot of my friends can't make it to the concert because of birthdays... (i counted 3 at least and one wedding), i'm still kinda light-hearted because after this concert, my life is starting a new chapter! Wonder what it will bring...
For those blur souls out there who have no idea what is going on, i'm leaving band after this concert! Not that i'm angry and thus leaving but leaving because i think it's time. Don't ask me how i know, it's just an instinctual thing. I'm really excited because i have never experience life without band for these 9 years... It's always band band band.. After this, i'm going to learn to play the flute from my lao shi with my sis! Yea! Well.. i hope my mum can "sponsor" us on this or i'll be leaving on bread and water (from home) till i find work and sufficient money to support myself and this interest of mine.
In the meantime, i'll just have to go back to filing my notes and leaving the dreaming and stuff till next time!
Ciaoz!
dreamt of @ 3:58 pm
It's been raining non-stop this whole week. Luckily today was a clear and sunny day. Didn't think i could stand another rainy day. =( Boo! Anyway, this is not going to be one of those really essay-ish posts that i've filled half my blog entries with, so don't worry!
Just realised how fortunate i am to have a sis like my.. erm.. sis! She's actually thinking of going to my last concert despite having to attend it alone! I wonder if i would have done the same thing given the same situation.
Was just browsing through my friends blog; Pam, Kai and Alec's and i realised that my two years in SAJC was like a dream and better left that way. Saw a number of pictures of my batch band mates and the junior batches having fun at a bbq. Let's see... i felt.. like i was looking at people whom i had never known before in my entire life. Kinda odd considering that we spent 2 years in the same school and band and even went on an overseas trip together. It was like they were still the "SAJCians band members" but i'm just an "SAJCian".
Not that i really resent it or anything, coz i wasn't really close to all of them in the first place, only a handfull who were in the picture. Still, it got me thinking about how i seem to not be able to keep "popular" friends. They are like the wind that blows across the field, spiraling up the petals of flowers and then they are gone, as with the beautiful sight of dancing colours. Hmm.. i promise.. that will probably be the only flowery sentence in this whole post (pun not intended).
In any case, i'm just a gal leading a simple life, with dreams and hopes that life will bring with it the richness of meaningful and lasting friendships, but i guess it's not a very mature thing to say. Speaking of which, i'm going to be 21 in 8 months plus. That's a really loooong time but i'm already dreading it. It feels to me like some kind of test; Quarter life exam- Subjects= no. of friends , popularity index, expectations check... Argh! Don't like it at all.
I'm becoming more and more pessimistic. Must be the Freudian theory that i studied in HP204 that's affecting me. Dear Freud believes that we are govern by the forces of procreation (libido) and self-destruction( thanatos). In that case, may we have found the cause of AIDs. Anyway, he's linking everything to sexual urges. Basically, babies like to put things in their mouths, like their mummy's nipples coz they enjoy sexual gratification! In one of his 5 stages of life, he suggested that girls suffer from "penis envy" and that makes us have low self esteem... I think he has penis obsession! Dear laughed at the idea the moment i told it to him... See! Even a guy thinks that it's a funny idea...
Anyway... i'm going to be grateful.. very grateful that i have a bunch of secondary school friends that i can count on.. and i've just just found my pri 1 and 2 best friend! Grace... Don't know about the rest of the people out there that i know, but at least i'm sure that these pplz are there for me, through thick and thin and concert ticket sales! Oh yar.. and my family~ esp my sis! Aluminium foil...ehhe.. i gave her that nic when she was small, coz she was so tan then.. so oululu= alu, then jasmine=min... but i'm glad she like it now.. used to hate it and cry whenever we call her that.. =)
Well pplz, enough of me ranting on and on...till next post... Ciaoz!
dreamt of @ 1:17 am
Bearding the lion in its den was a lot easier than i anticipated. I believe that God had a large part in it being so easier. Cowardly me almost gave up and walked away. If not for the fact that God spoke to me so many times, i would have just allowed things to be the way they were.
Truth be told that although i spoke with him and tried to be as honest as a could with him, i can't help but feel that it wasn't reciprocal. Still, i have said that i would trust God on this. Perhaps i'm overly sensitive... I hope i am. It's hard to believe that a person would lie in such a circumstance and still continue to feel that they are blameless. Hence, I'll put my trust in him once more... till God tells me to let go.
For the people out there who care for me; you know who you are, i thank you for standing up for me, feeling angry on my behalf and even sharing what you know and giving encouragement. I really appreciate everything that you have done and i would like you all to stop being upset about him, if you still are. There isn't really a point in doing so because it would only make matters worse between more people and blow the whole issue out of proportion. So thanks again but let's just let the matter rest.
dreamt of @ 1:20 am
These past weeks have been a rollercoaster ride. Emotions running high, a tangled web of accusations and such. Interestingly, i've been the object of interest ( for all the wrong reasons... =( ) again. Even when i do not seek troubles, troubles seek me.
If not for my Father in Heaven, i believe i would have fared a lot worse than i have and i am extremely grateful for his love and grace. Never had i thought i could bear up under the circumstances of probable betrayal, plausible hypocrisy and some form of a smear campiagn. Yet, through his power, i have managed to survive so far.
Notice it is "probable, plausible and some form". I do not know the truth behind what has transpired; whether this person is lying or a victim of misrepresentation. I had decided on Monday that i would not seek to know the truth behind it all because i had believed that God would allow me the knowledge if i am meant to come to know of it.
How i relished that moments of freedom that came after that. However, the next day, the will of God seemed to indicate that i should seek the truth, for part of the truth came to me through the words of a close friend. Even then i had wanted to deny his will and today, while reading through the picture bible that Pam loaned me (thanks gal! =), the words " And if you have any trouble with anyone, talk with him at once. If he listens, you will have won back a friend." struck home hard again.
I do not deny that i am fearful; fearful of what is to come, fearful that what i hear is not the truth or is the truth, fearful of the sense of awkwardness that follows such events. Still, i do not see myself as having any other way out, for i do trust that God has his plans and his reasons for everything that he does. I only hope that God would guide my actions.
Like a ship sailing on uncharted seas, i'll leave my fate up to Him. =)
dreamt of @ 3:13 pm
'Yesterday was Xian's birthday"... Hehe.. I copied this line for Kai's blog. Hmm... but i feel the same way as he did about the buffet.. I think it takes great courage to do this! I don't think i can handle so many people walking in and out of the place. Hmm...i'd like to have my birthday party at Esmiradas but it's going to cost like 1000++ dollars! Haiz... still with the plate throwing and the food... It will be great fun!
Another thing i worry about is who's going to turn up for my birthday.. It's terrible if people you invite don't want to turn up for your birthday.. Arugh!! Like failing a test... " You have 0 friends! You've failed! " Noooooooooooooooooooo!!!! Such worries... then again... the other problem is if too many people turn up... but i think that is a more pleasant problem then the other.
Been procrastinating recently. Research work, readings, practices, service.. I think i took on too many things at a time. I really need to eat more cod liver oil pills to help me keep myself alert. I've only managed to finish reading 1 chapter of that darn accouting text and a few pages of the research text, although i think it's more interesting than the accounting text! 17 in around4 plus hours! A new world record! Maybe i can try for a guiness world record. =)
Now's a nice time; it's 23:23. ok... i'm going to end here.. i've still got to finish up my accounting tutorial and go to bed! So nitez..
dreamt of @ 11:17 pm
A lot of times we do things that we think make us happy. Half the time they do, half the time they don't. Sometimes we do things that are beneficial to us and other times, harmful. No matter what kind of situation we face, one of the hardest situation to face is one where we have one choice that we like and one choice that we hate to take.
Yes, you heard me right. It isn't the situation where we have two choices that we like best or a situation where we have two choices that we don't like. Why?
Simply because parts of our heart and mind are telling us two different things. We always think that it's either your heart or your mind that tells you to do things, when you face such situation. However, consider it this way, when you have something you love, but know you can't have, won't your mind rationalise all kinds of explanations so that it would seem like you do appear justified in your decision? Similar, when you don't like something, although your mind tells you that it is logical, you can only convince a small part of your heart to accept it and thus ladies and gentlemen....I present to you 'World War III'! It's liable to give you a headache.
Sometimes i just wish that my heart and mind can agree on the same thing in such a situation, so that i know whether i'm coming or going. Half the time i decide on something, then pull out half way because i feel obligated or bad about another thing. It's no wonder a classmate of mine once joked that no one should ever ask me to take a stand on things; i'd argue one side of the story wholeheartly and after the conclusion, start to accept the other side of the story.
No wonder they say: " Ask a business student a straight question and the answer is always,' It depends.' "
dreamt of @ 10:56 pm
Today i cleared my stage 1 review for driving! Finally going on to stage 2! To think that i felt as if the instructor was not going to clear me because he kept saying things like, " Failure to give way to pedestrians, Immediate Failure! Failure to stop at stop line, Immediate failure! Mounting kerb, Immediate Failure! Failure to check blind spot, minus points!" Arguh!!!! Almost wanted to pull the car over and just walk off. Luckily i didn't do that =)
Overall it was a nice drive, even though i got honked at (for the first time :'( ) and in the first few minutes that i drove out onto the main road. Hmph! In the end my car stalled, so i took even longer to drive off! Haha! I think the driver who honked at me might have regretted his decision!=P
I'm going to miss service again. Feeling kinda guilty. I wanted to suggest that i go for hte Sunday service but i'm not going to try and promise something that i don't know whether i can fulfil. Even with a planner my timing is still way off! Still, the planner helps a lot! The best investment i've made in a long time.
Everyone's turning 21 this year. Well not everyone... but the people who are the same age as me. Sobz! I don't want to turn 21... it's like officially saying: " I'm growing old!" Funny thing is that i had envisioned the age 21 to be something to look forward to but now i'm dreading it. Don't know why. Hmph! I'm going to be 21 and that's an age to be proud of coz i've survived through PSLE, O levels ,A levels and 11/2 years of Uni! Yea! Coz i'm a survivor... not like that smelly score of "I will survive" that we had to use for last practice. It was practically yellowed.
So far life's been good and i'm not going to let myself experience quarter life crisis... heheh..i'll leave it to 20 years later!
dreamt of @ 5:19 pm
A professor once said this to my class, " Not all who agree with you are your friends and not all who don't, your enemies." At that point in time, he was teaching us about HR management and about the challenges that HR professionals have to face out in the workplace.
Today, while sitting in band practice, the same verse curled itself out of the depths of my memories and there, for an instance, i saw myself. It's a surreal kind of feeling, like i was a ghost of myself looking at myself and the rest of the band. What I saw made me realise that NTU band and perhaps band life itself has lost its magic for me, or perhaps, I, like the children who grow up in "Peter Pan", have lost my key to Neverneverland.
Not long ago, i did not understand why people could choose movies, gatherings or just plain hanging out to going for band. This is of course in addition to, i confess, having a strong dislike for people who come to band simply because of CCA points. I had tried convincing and cajoling a number of my good friends in band to join the alumni band and other bands that i was involved in yet now, i've become someone that i would have dislike and perhaps despise in my past. The irony of it all. I've become a shell; echoing the dissonance of restlessness and displeasure.
I tell myself and people around me that i am too busy for band. A lie that i've made true by making sure that i have lots of things to do. This is not as if i actually do the things that i'm supposed to be doing. Somehow i think that's how i'm like. When i am hurt by something/one, i find temporal peace by cutting myself completely off it. I slowly quell the feelings i have and then completely cut the remaining tendrills of emotions off. It certainly has worked well but i have to admit that i am not without a doubt that i'll soon run out of "me" to kill off. Everytime i do this, i effectively seal off a portion of myself for good, almost ruthlessly silencing it. Recently, i've been feeling a little void; empty of a capacity to feel.
Dreadful feeling this is. I've dreaded this moment since secondary two when i realised that i did not feel an ache in my heart when i cried. I had wondered then if i meant in my heart to feel sad or if my body and mind had conditioned itself to releasing tears upon specific occurances. Somehow, this would mean that i cannot really experience the true feeling of love, laughter or even jealousy. All because i had so honed my skill of being unaffected by the words of others.
My two-edged sword has cut me. I want to laugh and feel it in my bones, cry and feel it in my blood! Will i be able to break this "hold" and feel my passions run unbridled again?
dreamt of @ 12:11 am
I studied about territorial behavior last semester in HP102 and had thought it a phenomenon that guys were more prone to exhibit and encounter. For the benefit of those of you who don't know what territorial behavior means, basically, it is when people try to hold on to a place or a thing that is of little or no value to them, simply because someone else is eyeing it.
How wrong I was. I guess when you meet girls that are like Edie Britt in your own life, or someone who resembles her, in her "feel" more than looks (sorry guys out there! ), claws are bound to be sharpened. I should think it silly that such a situation should arise, since the exhibition of territorial behavior is over something completely undesired... or is it? Most of us crave attention... I guess "Edie" is the ultimate.
Nevermind that. It's probably just a passing phase. There's been too much desperate housewives' viewing last Sunday at my place. Can you imagine almost 6 episodes straight of it?!!! It wasn't even the end of it when i finally gave up watching and headed into the sanctuary of my room, which wasn't much of a sanctuary. What with the people who just lie on my bed as if i know them very well and those who hog my computer very weekend like they were deprived of it at home. I'm certain that God does not want me to be speaking ill of anyone, but really! I'm up to the brim with the kind of nasty feelings i have for these people. Sometimes i feel that they don't really like my family, but they have to pretend to because of I guess a bit of clannishness and a large bulk of monetary reasons.
Seriously! I can't help but feel that they are nice to us for some motive... Only a number of them, who like to taunt me with statements like : " Your mum always says you are so smart!", but they mean the very opposite.. and the amusing thing is the sarcasm is either very badly concealed or very liberally laced. I especially can't stand it when people ask me to make my mum buy stuff for me when i whine a little about being unable to afford certain things. Don't they understand that my mum isn't an ATM machine? Hello?!!!! Wake up and smell the coffee!
I can't even get my mum to understand what's going on out there because i'm supposedly sworn to secrecy. So darn it. Here i am pouring my unhappiness about this whole darn matter to a computer screen! In any case, I've learnt over the years, in greater depth each time that the verse, " God save me from my friends, I'll save myself from my enemies." has great truth, but " God save me from my close ones, I'll save myself from my enemies" perhaps has more truth.
dreamt of @ 9:38 am
Had a read of my sis's blog today. Very interesting stuff. I never really knew how she grew up to have such a great sense of humor. =) I like her work.
Well, enough of talking like a teenager. I'm going to start my loooooooonnnnngggg entry for tonight. Let me show you something interesting.
Our Father in heaven,
Hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us of our debts,
as we have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one
Matthew 6:9-13
Now, here's the interesting part. From this 5 verses comes 7 principles of praying to God! Hehehe... no wonder my teacher used to say that the shorter words tend to have greater impact. I guess it works with verses as well. They don't have to be essays to drive across a strong message. Wondering what the 7Ps are? Not Product, Price, Place, Promotion, People, Process and erm.. can't remember... I think i returned it all to my marketing tutor. Opps.
Anyway, it's
1) Presence 2) Praise 3) Purpose 4)Providence 5) Pardon 6) People 7) Protection
So much said in so little.. That's a thought.. maybe i should write lesser...
Nah!
Had a little something to think about today. I guess everyone has a point in their life when they are faced with loyalty and possible achievement. Hmm... was faced with that choice today. Although no one knew it, i felt scared and a bit guilty that i felt like joining a group because i wanted to do well.. I didn't do anything to my friends or promise anything, but i feel guilty. I wonder if i have sinned.. Still, the most important thing is if i've done what Jesus would have done and what God would have wanted me to do..
Sigh...
dreamt of @ 10:00 pm
Many people start the new year by making resolutions which they don't intend to keep or for some reason or another, end up not keeping. I do it in a slightly different manner; i do the exact thing that I know i would resolve not to do in the following year and then after make the resolution.
I wonder if that would mean that i have yet to break my New Year resolution.
I've been told today that i am an over sensitive... or was that sensitive person, such that i feel the changes taking place, i suppose, more keenly than i should. Having this as part of my personality means that i have the ability to be more receptive to change, afterall, i see happening gradually and not suddenly. However, this also means that i have more time to make up my mind and find means of not accepting this change, whatever it may be.
Sometimes i feel like there's 2 of me, one weak side that almost always gives in to the strong evil side of me. That would explain why i'm up now typing up a blog when i know i should be sleeping because i'm utterly exhausted. This part of me struggles with the changes that have recently come into my life, namely my recieving of Christ.
It has grown so much stronger that i can hear it even during service. What it says to me i do not think i would like to share. Some people would think that i'm just looking for some excuses to explain away my actions, which i would not be inclined to deny, since i can't see this voice or know where it comes from. It is often silent only when i do what it wants me to do, whether is it think badly of someone or just being mean to others.
Is it possible for me to find a way out of this? or is this a death-trap that i can never escape from?
dreamt of @ 12:44 am
The Haunting
The Serpent lies
Slick, Shiny, Satan's own
A single kiss, I spread like wildfire the posion through
Your veins
In the darkness, I see the souls of my past lovers,
the telltale mark. I loved them all,
The souls of the first two haunt me,
I have no end.
Joanne 23/11
There... my little humble attempt to capture the complexity of human emotions. In any case, this 2 weeks have been quite a whirl. Contrast that with the month long... long month =) of internship, where i met some of the most interesting people in the world and discovered a wonderful Greek restaurant( Esmiradas), these two weeks can be described as bursting with activity.
Besides being dotted with engagements, i've had a great number of memorable moments. First time driving on the road, Recieving Him into my life (yea!), meeting my Primary 1 and 2 best friend [Grace! =) ] and hmm.... actually setting up a blog again!
In any case, i'm disappointed to discover that "Memoirs of a Geisha" is not based on a true story. I was so engaged in the story and the romantic in me, so aroused that i plunged into disappointment headlong, when i discovered the "truth" behind the story. However, some good has arose out of this because i have derived a way of describing a certain incident without much reference to the persons involved.
The hint is " I am like Sayuri as he is like Hatsumomo."
For those of you who know it, good for you. For those of you who don't... Happy New Year!
dreamt of @ 12:00 am
jo lum
chilli
liars
To be able to concentrate on my studies!
16.09.1985
virgo
` likes.
novels
cats & nachos
anne of green gables
jughead
purple!
dreaming..
believing in the goodness of the world
` don't-likes.
being disappointed
mud on my shoes (yuck)
gravyyyyyyyyy on my riceeeee =P
murtabak! =s
blockheads
To go for my canada trip with Pammie-gal!
To have my 21st birthday celebration in Esmiridas!
To have more faith!
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certain quotes from certain places.. "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trials because when he stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him." James 1:12 "Oh, nothing can happen more than once, But all things must happen one day Over hill and dale, over wood and stream, My dying voice will blow away... " The Neverending story "Walk by Faith, Not by sight" 2 Corinthians 5:7 |