A professor once said this to my class, " Not all who agree with you are your friends and not all who don't, your enemies." At that point in time, he was teaching us about HR management and about the challenges that HR professionals have to face out in the workplace.
Today, while sitting in band practice, the same verse curled itself out of the depths of my memories and there, for an instance, i saw myself. It's a surreal kind of feeling, like i was a ghost of myself looking at myself and the rest of the band. What I saw made me realise that NTU band and perhaps band life itself has lost its magic for me, or perhaps, I, like the children who grow up in "Peter Pan", have lost my key to Neverneverland.
Not long ago, i did not understand why people could choose movies, gatherings or just plain hanging out to going for band. This is of course in addition to, i confess, having a strong dislike for people who come to band simply because of CCA points. I had tried convincing and cajoling a number of my good friends in band to join the alumni band and other bands that i was involved in yet now, i've become someone that i would have dislike and perhaps despise in my past. The irony of it all. I've become a shell; echoing the dissonance of restlessness and displeasure.
I tell myself and people around me that i am too busy for band. A lie that i've made true by making sure that i have lots of things to do. This is not as if i actually do the things that i'm supposed to be doing. Somehow i think that's how i'm like. When i am hurt by something/one, i find temporal peace by cutting myself completely off it. I slowly quell the feelings i have and then completely cut the remaining tendrills of emotions off. It certainly has worked well but i have to admit that i am not without a doubt that i'll soon run out of "me" to kill off. Everytime i do this, i effectively seal off a portion of myself for good, almost ruthlessly silencing it. Recently, i've been feeling a little void; empty of a capacity to feel.
Dreadful feeling this is. I've dreaded this moment since secondary two when i realised that i did not feel an ache in my heart when i cried. I had wondered then if i meant in my heart to feel sad or if my body and mind had conditioned itself to releasing tears upon specific occurances. Somehow, this would mean that i cannot really experience the true feeling of love, laughter or even jealousy. All because i had so honed my skill of being unaffected by the words of others.
My two-edged sword has cut me. I want to laugh and feel it in my bones, cry and feel it in my blood! Will i be able to break this "hold" and feel my passions run unbridled again?
dreamt of @ 12:11 am
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` Tagboard.
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` wordsWorth.
certain quotes from certain places..
"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trials because when he stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him." James 1:12
"Oh, nothing can happen more than once,
But all things must happen one day
Over hill and dale, over wood and stream,
My dying voice will blow away... " The Neverending story
"Walk by Faith, Not by sight" 2 Corinthians 5:7
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