People talk about all kinds of things on their blogs, from jokes to personal experiences, about their joy and anger. Many people who read their blogs assume that this is a true reflection of the person's feelings, thoughts or even life experiences. For the fact that a blog is often known as an online diary, we've conveniently disregarded the possibility that whatever is written is a farce. I once read somewhere that what is considered normal may not really be normal per se, but rather a consensus by everyone this is normality. The point being that if all plausible evidence points to it and they are in different forms, whether from the same source or not, it is viewed as converging evidence across different fields.
Just consider this, my reality, as psychologists have explained and i very loosely define, is my perception and interpretation of the envirmonment, people and happenings around me. Using the schemas that i have created through the formative ages of my life, i process and interpret information, thus creating my reality. Hence, it is very possible for you and i to have very different realities. Now believing that the same thing can be viewed as different by two people is based largely on this idea. Of course, what is also an implication of this idea is that whatever i'm saying and what you are saying may very well be false. Not born out of deliberate ill-intent, but rather a psychological makeup.
Would people lie on their blog? Do they have the motivation to do so? For the latter, yes. For the former maybe. They don't have to lie per se, just withhold information. It's amazing how little bits of information can cause a person to have a completely opposite view of the same thing. The classic example is that of the sentence punctuation. Consider these two sentences," Women without Man are completely useless" and "Women: Without, Man are completely useless". Two radically different meanings, yet with the exact same words. Which brings me to the point that to some, a blog is a place where people say the truth. For others, a blog is a tool for making others believe what you are saying is the truth.
Would i ,or rather, have i been telling the truth? Or am i just manipulating what you think?
Closed Ciaoz
dreamt of @ 11:55 pm
It's been a long while since i last blogged and for a very good reason.
I've been busy.
There! Well, don't get me wrong. I'm not angry or anything, just tired. This whole week has been a mad rush of activities for me. Everyday i sleep at around 2-3am and wake up at 7-8am. Other than my own hectic life, things have also been unfolding around me.
Today, Mr S Rajaratnam's memorial service was held in the parliament house. As i watched the news report on the memorial service, i felt a huge swell of emotions welling up inside me. Choking back my tears, i was once again reminded of how fortunate i was to be a Singaporean and how much effort it had taken many others to build this beautiful place that i call Home. It sounds really cheesy but i do honestly tear whenever i hear the national anthem on the 9th of August. I feel the pride in my chest as i recall the history of my country, our country and the many who have died or dedicated their lives to change this little port island into a bustling metropolis.
Since the time when i could actually imagine, i had pictured my future self as a successful yuppie, fully clad in a sleek power suit and about 1.7m tall. I would be standing in front of the Caltex house, gazing into the horizon. However as i grew older, i became more realistic. I gave up dreaming that i would grow to a height of 1.7m, which unfortunately my parents have not yet given up on, thus explaining their persistence in making me consume a rather foul concotion of peanut root soup. I also started to question my ambition of becoming a lawyer. Although i will always view that as my dream job, because i am partly a drama queen (=P) and i really enjoy knowing that i have saved someone's life, it is not something that i think i would make as my career.
I've been thinking if i should find a way to join a government organization. I would like to know that i am able to contribute to the success of Singapore, whether is it teaching; moulding the future of our nation, national defense or something else. There's nothing like knowing that you've made a difference in someone's life. I hope when i pass on at least someone would remember me. I believe that's the very least for i don't want to be like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. To quote Mr Rajaratnam: "I just hope that when i die, at least one person would mourn my passing." Great words from a great man.
I wonder...
Contemplative Ciaoz
dreamt of @ 11:15 pm
Tired... Very tired. I crave sleep yet sleeping does not satisfy me. I wake up feeling worse than ever. Wonder if i've been sleep-walking or sleep-running or sleep-jumping.
Can't take food from BK. Makes me sleepy. MSG? In my taro turnover? Oh my achy shoulder. Heavy lids and heated body. 2am and i'm still on the com. I think that's why i'm so sleepy. But at 2am, i'm wide awake.
Too many things. Not a really restful sleep. thinking about this and that and that and this. Money is the root to all evil. Money is also the root of insomia.
My mum, she never understands. I've been told a long time ago that there's no guide to parenting and that she's trying her best. I wish someone would come up with a parenting guide so that she would stop treating us like her employees. Oh. We're like worse than her employees in her eyes. "Write me a proposal." Sheesh.
No wonder it's said. " What we don't like, the adults like it and vice versa. In the end, we just close the doors to our hearts."
Aching Ciaoz.
dreamt of @ 4:52 pm
Yesterday was Valentine's Day. It was a day of expressing my love and appreciation for all whom i cared for. It was also the day i learnt of the importance of being prepared.
Before you start thinking that i'm talking about anything dangerous or illegal, let me assure you, this is all very innocent albeit a little irritating. =S
Our date started well enough , with us making our way down to Ginza plaza to try out the food in the new Japanese restaurant on the second floor, Sakuraya. Unfortunately, because we did not make reservations, we ended up sitting right in front of the door. It was a really odd place. Although i was not really impressed by the ambience (jap restaurant charging 30 ++ for a bento set but playing radio music) , what really made me mad was that the shop's manager was snobbish. When i requested to have a change of seats, i was duly ignored despite the shop assistant's mentioning of my request. What made things worse was that i saw a couple who was obviously older (and whom i had overheard not having a reservation as well), getting to seats further in. In the end, we just walked out of the store without a backward glance. I'm fine with most things (sure, i'd whine a little about it =P), but i really don't like stores that have staff who appear to be snobbish.
In any case, we decided to try out the one of the pub restaurants along Pasir panjang roads. As usual, being the blur person that i am, i insisted that we stop off much earlier than we should. So there we were, at 720pm, standing outside an italian restaurant, Pasta Fresca. In the end, we decided to go in and have dinner there.
Dinner here was quite the opposite. The staff were really very polite and helpful, when they actually could spare time to entertain us. Poor folks! Running around non-stop the whole 2.5 hours we were there. In the end, we only had our drinks served after waiting 20 mins (From the order time). As for the food, we had our appetitizers served after waiting for an hour odd. By then, 3 couples, 2 of whom were waiting for their meals when we had arrived and one of whom had arrived an hour after us, had finished their food and left.
Around 9pm, we promptly informed a rather harassed waitress of our plight and indicated that we wanted to cancel the main courses and dessert. However, seeing her trying so hard to persuade us to wait on a little longer, we decide to spare a while more and have the dessert. (by then, we were quite full of air).
Time passed quickly as we came up with possible advertisments which the restaurant could have had to encourage people to make reservations. It was really great fun! We ended up laughing like no one's business about skeletons of couples and couples who went in as teens and by the time the food came, were parents! Well, just in case you are wondering, no. We did not managed to eat the dessert. By 930pm,i was almost falling asleep, having slept only 4 hours the day before. Kai remarked that the meal got relatively cheaper as it progressed on. We ended up spending $40 instead of the initial $70. We agreed that we'll have to make another trip down, just to try the pasta. =S
After that, we spent our time at west coast beach, where we took pictures of each other. I ended up falling asleep in his arms because i was soooooooooooooooooooo tired! Hahha... Took a cab home.
Still, i had a great time; inspite of the bad time we had trying to flag a cab.
See pplz? Play it safe, be prepared!
Busy and Dreamy Ciaoz!
dreamt of @ 12:05 am
Happy faces in crystal jade. Last time? Before the storm The hungry hands at first love party. See eileen's ghostly hands? Chicky family picture(left to right): Mother hen, bird,Moi, Zhen Yee and Gene (MiA: Sister chick; Weijuan and Brother Chick; mun keet) Happy Family Twists!( Left to right): Moi, Bird, Mother Hen, Zhen Yee and Gene Sian Diaoz(Left to right): Moi, Bird, Mother Hen(looks blur=P) Zhen Yee and Gene Our photographer: Chris Still missing some of my friends. Don't know why i don't see them online anymore. Maybe i'm over sensitive because i think they might have blocked me off. Don't blame them though... I read somewhere that the oldest friend you have is the one who forgave you the most times. Since the duration of our friendship is among one of the shortest i have, it's very possible that this happened. Not sure, don't want to believe so. Hope i'm just talking through my head. Hurt Ciaoz
I bought my first To-To ticket yesterday with bird. I guess we didn't win anything because bird was saying that we should throw the tickets away. =( Well... was hoping that i could win a little something to so that i could get a little nice something for kai on v-day or have a nice birthday party. Haha.. actually i didn't think of what i was going to do with the money if we won it after we bought the ticket. Now that i know that it is a lemon, i can't help but feel silly. It's like you are throwing money into a fire. Poof! Gone into smoke. Quite an interesting experience though. =)
Hmm, took some pictures recently and i think i'd like to decorate my blog with it.
The beautiful past before the storm
dreamt of @ 2:30 pm
If i am one to believe in omens, i'd say that the relationship with my other "sisters" is as good as gone. Not once, not twice, but at least 5 times had the our photo tumbled off the top of my shelf, plunging headlong to the floor.
Haven't heard any news from anyone and i'd like to assume that no news is good news but i'm not certain that this is really the case now.
It's really sad and very regrettable but i suppose that a friendship that is built largely on frivolity and such would be like the flower on the field; here today, gone tomorrow. Its roots aren't deep and thus when a storm blows over, it won't be there anymore. If you never had the chance to experience hardships together, where the rain of tears and the sweat, like the water that feeds the flower and makes it grow is present, you'll never get a strong and well rooted plant.
Still, the lucky thing is that there are friends out there with whom i have an "apple tree" friendship. It started with a little seed but after years of rain and shine, the tree grew strong, with its roots dug deep into the ground. Sure, with the passing of the seasons, the leaves grow and shed, leaving the tree blad and empty. However, even when those long winter months are around ( i.e. when you quarrel =P, if you don't understand), there's the promise of a beautiful spring awaiting just around the corner. Every spring that comes is a triumph over evil. (neglect, jealousy, envy, intrusion etc..) And summer brings the a reminder of the sweetness of friendship.
Am i waiting for winter to pass, or am i just looking at the remains of a beautiful flower? How about you?
Just ciaoz
dreamt of @ 4:02 am
Today was an interesting day, with i believe, interesting messages from God everywhere. I'm not really sure if it's really Him speaking, but i felt like it was. =)
For starters, i spoke with beth about my messy settlement of the reunion dinner matter. Instead of the usual words of support that friends offer, i recieved instead just the opposite. She told me to treasure the fact that i could still be with these people and as it had been a long time since i last went out with them, it was natural for me to feel left out. She also mentioned that it was very tactless of me to air my unhappiness on my blog because it is actually a very offensive act. =( Well, i didn't really know that until today. Doubts about my actions are starting to creep into my mind.
Then i had psycho tutorial in which we discussed the personality traits that are unique to Singaporeans. Well, the common thing that comes out Kiasu, Kiasee, KiaBor... and many other interesting abbreviations like ABCB(act cute bua cute), BHB(bua hiao bai). Hehe.. well one thing that is definitely characteristic of Singaporeans is our unexplainable love for abbreviations. =P
After that i had a good talk with Joanne (a sweet gal from my psycho tut) while waiting for the make up lecture at 530. Since it was 330pm, we talked for almost 2 hours straight! We were supposed to study for Monday's quiz but instead... Well, the talk actually did me much good. I learnt that there in front of me was another one who belonged to the race who knows Joseph! Aside from that, i got to know of someone who, i'd never believe it if i didn't experience it for myself, was so much like me in the past, only much sweeter. =P Anyway, it was really a great sharing session in which we spoke about education systems, the different countries' political systems, personality traits of people and the effects of culture and much more. Most importantly from talking to her, i felt like God was making me take a good look at myself. What i was like (similar) in the past and what i have become. Temper and anger was not the way, but nor was complete inwardness. I was once again reminded of my weakness of being overly extreme in things i do.
Time flew by quickly and we went for the lecture at LT 27. Although my stomach was growling non-stop and my bladder was on the verge of bursting( exaggeration!), it was one enjoyable lecture where i gained a number of insights. I kept feeling like God was speaking to me through the lecture. The topics covered included approaches to self and EQ . While seemingly unrelated, there were ideas that stood out very strongly.
1. When dealing with people, having EQ means having awareness of the self's feelings, being able to regulate them, being able to control one's impulses, being able to empathise with others and having the ability to influence and guide others without incurring anger and resentment.
This points struck me hard because i felt like i was seriously lacking in them and because of it, i was/ would be doing things that may not only hurt myself but others as well. What do i mean? Just as in the case of the reunion dinner and many others before that. Then i had believed that i was a rebel with a cause and thus felt self-righteous. Now, i just think that i'm an impetuous person too overwhelmed by my emotion to think straight. How can i teach others to lead when i am not able to do so myself? How can i rebuke others about being insensitive when pride has deafen my ears and blinded my eyes? I saw the pain and hurt they caused me, but i never really considered the hurt and pain in their lives. I really need to take out this plank in my eyes before i can pick the speck out of my brother's eyes.
It's kind of late, but i would like to make a resolution to learn humility; for i want to hear and see once again.
2. There are 3 main strategies with which people deal with their life goals: social constraints, defensive pessimism and outcome focus. To take on the social constraints perspective is to allow the constraints to become the focus and change everything to fit it. Defensive pessimism on the other hand, would mean doing things like self-handicapping to protect one's ego. This comes in instances of purposely not studying when you know that you do not have enough time to complete everything you need to and choosing to go clubbing because if you fail, you've got a great shield to hide behind. The 3rd perspective is probably the most constructive one since you would be looking at the outcome as the focus and trying to work with that as the goal.
I realised that for a large part of my life i have been adopting the social constraints perspective; focusing not on what i can do to make things better, but how others have shortchanged me, how things have been unfair, how because i have because of my parents or someone else, made decisions that i regret. Really, the truth is that no one really forced me and i know it. If i wanted a choice that was different from theirs, i could have just made it. Instead, i chose to follow their choices, decieving myself that there was no way they would allow me to do otherwise.
Well, that aside, we had a valentines day cum friendship day cum fellowship at seminar room 10, where we played games,ate food and had another incredible sharing session. From that session, i not only learnt more about my fellow bros and sisters but was again struck by the feeling that God wanted me to learn. I felt myself reflecting on my actions for the 3rd time today. Why should i because of jealousy,envy and pride, ruin the love of a friendship?
So now i say to you, my friends out there whom i have wronged: I am sorry.
If you can find it in your hearts to forgive us, please do and may we seriously get together to thrash out the wrongs that have been made. Impulse and pride made me walk away. Hurt and pain blinded me to the past memories we shared and made me see nothing but emptiness in the future. We've both made mistakes. Let's not let it carry on further.
Quiet Ciaoz.
dreamt of @ 11:15 pm
I had a beer party today in which the biggest game played was charades, or so i felt. Some of us were playing charades, others battleship and still others, uno. To avoid sounding overtly vague, the first 2 games involved some form of guessing and strategising. The last game is just a matter of throwing cards out.
The beer party was held first in crystal jade and then at tcc. I had initially thought that i was going for a reunion dinner but i found out that it was too late for that and the wheat had all turned into beer. There were some phototaking and conversation going on and everything seemed fine. Since we were kinda all playing charades, that feeling didn't last very long. I blame myself for letting the situation end on such a sour note, but i guess i didn't understand beer talk and beers don't understand what i'm saying. 2 hours and all i have to show for it are 2 photos with people, 2 photos of food, a purse that is 20 dollars lighter, a stomach too full of food.
Amidst the festive atmosphere, the fumes from the beer where choking me. Hoping against hope, i had tried to search among the beer barrels to seek out the wheat. Sadly, they were far and few.
To all of you out there, here's a word of advise from me:
Don't let your friendship( if you value it) turn from wheat to beer. All it takes is neglect (time), yeast (intrusion) and your wheat will ferment into beer. The process is irreversible and the product, rotten. A "wheat" friendship nourishes and grows. A "beer" friendship? High maintainence, empty calories and inflicts pain if consumed for long periods of time.
To my wheat turned beer friends or so i believe: " Thanks for the memories, they were great. Will we be creating more?"
Consumed Ciaoz
dreamt of @ 11:13 pm
Many times in life we make decisions that we regret or feel extremely proud of. Occasionally, we make decisions that bring us both a sense of great happiness and an odd sense of fear. Very unnervingly, the fear is often one which does not appear rational. I came across a phrase once in my lit text that stated that man are creatures who cannot accept things that appear irrational to them. Therefore, our mechanism to fear? Rationalization. We try to rationalize everything so that a cause can be derived.
But what happens when even rationalizing fails?
I believe that the form and feeling problem is once again resurfacing. I'm not really sure why i'm posting this entry when i'm aware that i'm not going to be writing anything which will give a hint of my thoughts. Still, these days, my blog is the first thing that comes in my mind when i think of directing my passions. Therefore, i end up blogging even though i'm not really penning all my thoughts.
I guess prayer is really the only way.
Sad Ciaoz
dreamt of @ 1:36 am
Act1 Scene 1:Land of Giant Flowers (SCH) Actors: GrandFather Kianjoo, a very sleepy Wee Seng, Patriach Dong Hao,Katherine (Fu), Felicia(Shou),Anneson, Ying Jie (Lu) and Moi Actors: Alec( ah lec) and Moi Act 1 Scene 4: David, Goliath and the mysterious poster Actors: Wee Seng and Moi Actors: Benji and Wee Seng Actors:Da and Moi CNY Photos Warning: Contains pictures of extremely cute people. Please do not continue viewing if overwhelmed by the cuteness. Cuteness may cause extreme cases of envy and self-despair. Yes, i know i'm cute. Please don't stare, k? =P Seeing double? Alex and Kino... Kino and Alex... Erm.. who is who? Kodac Smile! Watch out Jerry Yan! Haiz... my agent just told me we are not going into the Taiwan market.. Sobz..
Hi all, this entry is going to be composed mainly of pictures because i just learnt from my dearie sis how to upload the pics onto blogger! =D
Actors: Livia and Moi
Act 1 Scene 2: The stairway portrait
Act 1 Scene 3: An old friend returns
Act 2 Scene 1: The big confrontation
Act 2 Scene 2: Happy ever after
dreamt of @ 1:01 pm
CG Pic- Left to right: Guang An, Sherwyn, MeiYun, Rachel, Tim, Peijing & Moi!
The last post was a sad one. Now for the happy post.
New believers' party was really more fun than i had expected. I had imagined that it would be a very formal kind of buffet lunch or something of a pot luck party, but never in my wildest imaginations would i believe that it would be a steamboat dinner, japanese style. And the kitchen, you won't believe how many of us were running in and out of it, desperately trying to find empty pots to store the enormous amount of food. Hui shan and i were supposed to be slicing up the meat, but i think in the end we just started chopping up the pieces of meat so we ended up with many chunks of meat instead of slices.
Well, food was not too bad... the usual steamboat fare, but what was most endearing and memorable was the atmosphere. This is what a Chinese New Year celebration should be like. Amidst the shouts and chatterings and many sudden bursts of laughter was a great sense familialness. Forgive me for mangling the English language. I admit that my spelling is atrocious and my regard for the many rules, almost non-existant. This was a feeling that i had felt many years ago during reunion dinner, when i was still a child, running around my granny's place and jumping up and down on the sofa.
Games were quite fun, though a bit hard. Till now, i can't think of a song with the word Father in it. Mother is easier i think. There's spice girls' "Mama" song but no "papa" song. I even contemplated sing "Happy ____'s Day to you" but i think they won't catch it either, coz it could be mother's day, birthday, father's day, sister's day... yada yada...
Finally it came to DNA... not dioxyribonuclic acid, but the Dead Now Alive ceremony. It's supposed to be an initiation for Yan Xiang and me. At first i was a bit freaked out because they were talking about shedding blood and goats and chickens. It wasn't that i believed we would be doing anything with those stuff but i thought that we might be doing something really silly. In the end, it was the most memorable event of the party.
At first we had our spiritual mentors affirming us. I'm not so sure what affirming means but it seems to me that it's like sorta an evaluation of what you've done so far. Yan Xiang is really good... I'm impressed that he finished the entire new testament in 3 months! 27 Books in 3 months=9 books in one month! I did like 2 books in 1 month plus? Aiyo.. very very slow... Hehe... =) We were asked to carry candles, (courtesy of zhi yong ) and it was meant to symbolise our past lives. Then we mulled over our transgressions of the past and things that we would like to have rid of and symbolically blow them out. After which, we had our candles relighted to signify a new beginning. Well... i guess i focused a bit too hard during that time and almost burnt myself with the candle!
Seriously, i think God is all-knowing. In his wisdom, he knew the persecution that Christians would face would be one that drains the soul and leave many of us empty and lost. To help us cope with it, he made us draw from the strength of our brothers and sisters. God must be one great psychologist! At the end of it, my CG presented me with a present that is nothing short of being thoughtful! I feel bad that they have been giving me gifts; a keychain, Jollymah sheep and now a milk bottle! My beautiful milk bottle has animal pictures of it and most importantly, loads of messages which are meant to feed my spirit?! =) I forgot what it's supposed to feed, my soul or my spirit.. but you know what i mean. =P
At the end of it, my CG presented me with a present that is nothing short of being thoughtful! I feel bad that they have been giving me gifts; a keychain, Jollymah sheep and now a milk bottle!
My beautiful milk bottle has animal pictures of it and most importantly, loads of messages which are meant to feed my spirit?! =) I forgot what it's supposed to feed, my soul or my spirit.. but you know what i mean. =P
Well, Thank you so much Lord for putting me in Hope and in this wonderful CG and NYC! Thank you all of you who've helped me grow, despite the busy schedules that you have (you know who you are =)
Grateful Ciaoz!