It's been such a long time since i last wrote an actual post. Too bad its not a happy post. This is a warning to my friends out there who do not like rambling, sad posts : Skip this one.
If you are still reading on, i presume you like rambling, sad posts, or your thinking of how you can help or you just have nothing much better to do with your time.
I have a friend, some one i consider a close friend. A person i've shared my food, bed, troubles, joy, took the same shit with. Basically a close friend. Here's the catch. At times, i feel like i'm a bridge for her. To cross over to other groups of people. Once that's done, i'm old news. Kapeesh! We've worked together before for a few times and i've learned to marvel at her intelligence and tenacity. She's a great person to be around. That's when you actually are still in the new news stage.
Maybe it's just me, but i've also realised something else. I'd like to learn that from her, though i don't particular like that ability. What's that? It's this uncanny ability to make everything someone else's fault. Let's say we both work on something and we both screw up. I'd get blamed and she'll just get away with it. I wonder why. Worse, i'd get blame for her work. Sometimes i think she deliberately asks me for things which she knows i've already done or have tried to do but she just didn't manage to recieve it in front of others. I wonder why. It's not like i didn't try to send it to her. If you don't want to wait for it to finish transferring, i can't do anything about it. It's far too big to send over the email. (* being nasty here)
I asked Da last night, when he noticed that i was so unhappy and insisted on going for a daytona game to vent out my frustrations, if i was a jealous person. ( if i had a real car, i'd be on the streets... =P not in a silly arcade) His response was that i can be jealous when it comes to friends. Surprisingly not much of family or him... but my friends, and i admit it. It's not that i can't share a friend with someone else, but i simply hate the feeling of being used and later abandoned by a close friend. That's the key word : close.
I wonder if the problem also lies with that word. I've shared a part of myself with someone whom i thought was holding it dear to her, but perhaps, it's all wishful thinking on my part.Sometimes i wish i could be like people who have friends who give them all and they recieve, without really reciprocating.
I'm sorry about making my CG's people worried though. I wasn't upset by the follow-up. Just reminded of somethings. About feedback, humility, acceptance and stuff. I need to learn to take feedback well. I think i tend to link it too much to my person, such that it becomes a personal attack. i think i need acting classes too.. so i'd not show what i feel on my face. My friend's great at that. Maybe i can start from there.
Nasty Ciaoz.
