Today is the first day of our uni church camp, aptly themed " Finding Fishermen's Friend". Apparently they had a cooking competition in the afternoon and dinner, followed by praise and worship and finally Pastor Jeff's teachings.Thank God we, refering to da and i, managed to arrive at the chalet before the start of the praise and worship. This was despite being at the mercy of a taxi driver who drove like there was no tomorrow. It was really a harrowing experience being in his car, kind of like being in a rollercoaster, only on the ground level.
Anyway, we managed to get to Aloha Changi at around 745pm and i was really in a mean mood. Tired, bothered and basically listless, i didn't feel like involving myself too much. Still, God is so great that he refreshed me and really flooded my mind with many thoughts as we were praying.
There was the lesson again about faith, where he impressed upon my mind many different situations, with paths, in all of which i refused to move further on because of faithlessness. Yet when i chose to follow through in the last scenario, i reached a door, which opened to a wonderous sight of serenity and beauty that was beyond words. I had half expected darkness or even the usual green grass meadows that people associate with happy thoughts, but i can remember vividly that when i saw the tranquil morn/twilight sea; the twinkling skies, like diamond scattered on blue velvet, the brush of colours that filled my sight, i just stop short, my breath caught in my throat.
How much can the Lord offer us if only we trust in Him. I just really want to take on this challenge to stay faithful to the Lord. I know i've often mentioned how i falter and how i suddenly regained my faith after some special service. Often these bouts of faith are short-lived. Still, if God did not give up on me and wants me to learn this lesson because it is so important, who am i to say that i want to give up?
I also saw a vision of roots, at first short and covering only a small area of space, when we were closing our CG prayer . However, after that, the roots grew really big and were intertwining with each other and holding each other up. I think that God might be trying to indicate that we may be small roots now, but we'll be able to grow and spread beyond to reach out to more people. However, why the analogy of the roots? Maybe it could be idea of connections?
Oh well.. just thankful that God is always faithful!Sleepy sleepy.. Pray that i'll be able to go off early tomorrow from work~!
Blessed Ciaoz!
dreamt of @ 1:04 am
dreamt of @ 4:17 am
"Two steps left,
Two steps right,
Two steps front,
Two steps back,
Two steps slide.
Why do you not move from the spot?; grounded by questions and fears
Why do you not want to?;...faithless heart
And the songs play on and on,
'on the carousel of life, i can't get down, i can only look.'
swirling, swirling... comforting darkness,
Yes, i will go quietly into the night."
jo 20th may 2005
dreamt of @ 3:13 am
dreamt of @ 10:12 pm
I know i should not be blogging at this moment because i really have one million things to complete before the end of this week. You're right.. i don't have a million things, just 2 and they are driving me bonkers!
Anyway, i better concentrate on the real reason for this post. Just about an hour ago, da was telling me about a girl in our alumni band, we shall call her S, who had alleged that he forced her to take on the position of a librarian in the alumni committee. Apparently, he did not, if not there won't be much for me to write about, now would there? He did, however, encourage her to take on the position and it could have very well triggered off a feeling of being forced in S's heart.
Here comes the focus of my post. I felt the recurring feelings of cynicism and disgust at the kind of masks that Man wear when we are in this world. I had clean forgotten about this point, which i admit used to depress me tremendously before that fateful day, on which i received Christ. For my friends who knew me before that day, which should be quite a number, since it has only been 4 months and 21 days from the day i received Christ, i'm sure you all recall the cynicism i held in my heart.
It was my shield and barrier from pain. It was "holey" too... except in a very different sense.
How amazing it is that i can forget about it for almost 5 months, considering that i was living with it etched deeply in my mind and heart for 20 years. Etched in by the disappointments of life, the backstabbing, the betrayals, the tears.
I remember relishing that feeling of being forlorn once, as if proclaim that my life was a "graveyard full of buried dreams", Anne of green gables, was a thing to be proud of. It was much deeper than teenage angst. It was as if i was willing myself to be eaten alive by the pains inside of me. Sucidal thoughts were frequent and i often lived in anger of those who hurt me before. In the times when i was overwhelmed by my emotions, i longed to end my life but not before penning down a tirade of accusatory words aimed at making those whom i believed had disappointed or hurt me guilty for life. So great was my hatred that i scared myself.
I was like a time bomb waiting to explode.
As we spoke of S, other characters came into play, Ms M and Mr L as well as the infamous Mr A. Mr A is someone i will not want to have much contact with because of events that have passed. Though i've tried to treat him as normal, i find it so hypocritical that i just can't bring myself to do so. It's not that i am angry with him or anything. I only feel fear. When he smiles at me around school, i can't help but wonder what lurks behind that smile. I know that he still goes around spreading stuff about us, but i'm determined not to allow such things to come by me.
Still, this resurgence of negativity, though small, seems to signal to me that perhaps I have not completely given up on that view yet. I wonder... I really wonder... will there come a day when i will no longer fear A but feel love for him because he is a child of God?
Comtemplative Ciaoz.
dreamt of @ 8:49 pm
Old habits die hard. Some old people die smart. However, old commitments never die, they come back and kick you in the butt. I think i've been to slack the past months... wait.. i made a mistake, it should be the past 2 plus years. Ever since then, i've found it so hard to gather enough energy to sustain me through projects, committee commitments, external competition commitments, school work etc...
Some people will say that i'm being lazy. I agree that the manifested behaviour is that of a lazy person. It's no excuse really but i think i've been demotivated, sorta drained of energy for other things. I can't seem to get myself to move and i constantly feel tired.
Conclusion?
Better go jogging/ swimming etc... soon. Need to get some exercise before i really fall into a coma.
dreamt of @ 12:57 am
This post is going to be a very short one about what happened this week.
Mon-Went to NUS and was late in meeting Nina
Tue-Went to TECH and was late in meeting Nina
Wed-Went to NUS and was late
Thurs- Went to TECH and was EARLY!
Fri- Went to monsoon and was late for my rebonding.
So i basically was late for 4 out of 5 days!
I'm really quite bored now and a bit too sleepy to type up a coherent post so, i think i'll end here with a verse : "Walk by faith, not by sight."
blessed ciaoz.. ;0 ( that's supposed to be a yawn...)
dreamt of @ 2:37 am
First and foremost, i would like to share a beautiful story which i found on the blog of a friend of mine. Since his blog is a commercial blog, i'd leave the link instead of copying the entire story out. Check it out and prepare your kleenex! http://grand-pa.blogspot.com/2006_05_01_grand-pa_archive.html. Only continue reading on after you've read the story.
The story is really strong and powerful testimonial for the power of affirmation and also to the importance of not jumping to conclusions. A lot of times, people jump to conclusions about things, whether conveniently or out of the desire to creat salacious news. Sadly, i think i used to be a frequent athelete in this field. Don't get me wrong, when i say i think i used to be. It's not that i believe myself to be above it now, but thank God for the awareness that he sparked off in me. At least now i'm aware of what's going on and can take active steps to protect myself against it.
Another weakness of mine, which i think is rather specific to myself is this tendency to speak before i think. Just earlier on, i blurted out something sensitive about someone and might have gotten the person in trouble. Really feeling quite awful about it after i was told that the actions of the person is possibly punishable. I hope they're kidding and that no one else heard it.
This reminds me of the verses that I believe God has been prompting to me recently. They all fall along the same thread. The first of which is " He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin." Poverbs 13:3. The second of which was what Rachel shared with me yesterday while we were looking for my key purse. It was really an unexpected sharing because she happened to mention that she was reading about the book of Matthew and came across a verse that spoke to her. " But i tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. for by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned." Matthew 12:36-37. The third verse, which i just came across minutes ago, "A gossip betrays a confidence but a trustworthy man keeps a secret." Proverbs 11:13.
I just pray that my words did not get him into any possible trouble. God. Can't think of what else to say. Finally understand how true the phrase is that if you don't understand the extent of damage you caused, you'll never feel truly contrite. Next step is really to bear the fruits of sorrow. I want to challenge myself to be a more discerning person in this area and not just a broken door; letting things out without proper thought.
Contrite and Anxious Ciaoz
dreamt of @ 3:56 am
Just a quick note to say "Hi!" to everyone.
I am officially back in service! It feels really great to be able to blog whatever i want to blog though i can't seem to think straight at the moment. (Thanks to the psycho paper and 3 hours of sleep. =S) Hence, i'm just going to write whatever comes to my mind. For your sake more than mine, i hope it's something coherent.
Tomorrow's the elections. I hope PAP wins. Objectively and practically speaking, the opposition still has a long way to go before even becoming real contestants for the people's votes. As of now, it seems like they have a great career in the theatre. The reviews have mostly touched on how charismatic the speakers of the opposition were and how they moved the crowd with their speeches and grand promises.
Granted, all parties make promises during elections, some more filled up with air than others. Still, i guess the issue here is to be discerning enough to figure out which promises are fluff and which are the real stuff.
Just the other day, i read about a commentary in the 8 days magazine about the the younger generation and how they or rather we lacked manners and were really just like "hard-nosed" paparazzi during the speech with MM Lee. First things first, it was a handful, not even sufficient to be called a sample, let alone, a representative sample of the younger generation. Secondly, if i did not remember wrongly, a number of them were really journalists. So there. Thirdly, not all of the younger generation agreed with their views.
I for one, didn't like the way they asked certain questions or the cyclical nature of some of their questions. However, that does not mean that i undermine the entire generation by labelling them ill-mannered and stuff. I mean, if you buy char kway tiao from a single store and the food is really horrendous, tasting more like rubber egg noddles, does that mean that all the char kway tiao stores in Singapore are bad? If we can apply such logic when it comes to mundane and trivial stuff like food, why not the way we view people or issues?
Remember, the "younger generation" does not equal the 10 odd participants in the studio.
Irate Ciaoz.
dreamt of @ 12:46 am
jo lum
chilli
liars
To be able to concentrate on my studies!
16.09.1985
virgo
` likes.
novels
cats & nachos
anne of green gables
jughead
purple!
dreaming..
believing in the goodness of the world
` don't-likes.
being disappointed
mud on my shoes (yuck)
gravyyyyyyyyy on my riceeeee =P
murtabak! =s
blockheads
To go for my canada trip with Pammie-gal!
To have my 21st birthday celebration in Esmiridas!
To have more faith!
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certain quotes from certain places.. "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trials because when he stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him." James 1:12 "Oh, nothing can happen more than once, But all things must happen one day Over hill and dale, over wood and stream, My dying voice will blow away... " The Neverending story "Walk by Faith, Not by sight" 2 Corinthians 5:7 |