I know i should not be blogging at this moment because i really have one million things to complete before the end of this week. You're right.. i don't have a million things, just 2 and they are driving me bonkers!
Anyway, i better concentrate on the real reason for this post. Just about an hour ago, da was telling me about a girl in our alumni band, we shall call her S, who had alleged that he forced her to take on the position of a librarian in the alumni committee. Apparently, he did not, if not there won't be much for me to write about, now would there? He did, however, encourage her to take on the position and it could have very well triggered off a feeling of being forced in S's heart.
Here comes the focus of my post. I felt the recurring feelings of cynicism and disgust at the kind of masks that Man wear when we are in this world. I had clean forgotten about this point, which i admit used to depress me tremendously before that fateful day, on which i received Christ. For my friends who knew me before that day, which should be quite a number, since it has only been 4 months and 21 days from the day i received Christ, i'm sure you all recall the cynicism i held in my heart.
It was my shield and barrier from pain. It was "holey" too... except in a very different sense.
How amazing it is that i can forget about it for almost 5 months, considering that i was living with it etched deeply in my mind and heart for 20 years. Etched in by the disappointments of life, the backstabbing, the betrayals, the tears.
I remember relishing that feeling of being forlorn once, as if proclaim that my life was a "graveyard full of buried dreams", Anne of green gables, was a thing to be proud of. It was much deeper than teenage angst. It was as if i was willing myself to be eaten alive by the pains inside of me. Sucidal thoughts were frequent and i often lived in anger of those who hurt me before. In the times when i was overwhelmed by my emotions, i longed to end my life but not before penning down a tirade of accusatory words aimed at making those whom i believed had disappointed or hurt me guilty for life. So great was my hatred that i scared myself.
I was like a time bomb waiting to explode.
As we spoke of S, other characters came into play, Ms M and Mr L as well as the infamous Mr A. Mr A is someone i will not want to have much contact with because of events that have passed. Though i've tried to treat him as normal, i find it so hypocritical that i just can't bring myself to do so. It's not that i am angry with him or anything. I only feel fear. When he smiles at me around school, i can't help but wonder what lurks behind that smile. I know that he still goes around spreading stuff about us, but i'm determined not to allow such things to come by me.
Still, this resurgence of negativity, though small, seems to signal to me that perhaps I have not completely given up on that view yet. I wonder... I really wonder... will there come a day when i will no longer fear A but feel love for him because he is a child of God?
Comtemplative Ciaoz.
dreamt of @ 8:49 pm
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` Tagboard.
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` wordsWorth.
certain quotes from certain places..
"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trials because when he stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him." James 1:12
"Oh, nothing can happen more than once,
But all things must happen one day
Over hill and dale, over wood and stream,
My dying voice will blow away... " The Neverending story
"Walk by Faith, Not by sight" 2 Corinthians 5:7
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