Willing herself out of the reverie she had just awaken from a while ago, she tried to focus her mind on her upcoming lessons.
" Release clutch, break till the car is sufficiently slow then clutch in and break... Turn when your shoulder is inline with the curb..." she murmured quietly. Increasing her pace, she started into a slow jog, feeling every sound in the world around her fading into the distant. The only sounds she heard were the heavy thud of her blood pumping and the words she had been reciting till they became a chant.
Time seemed to pause at every syllable.
Perhaps,she thought, Einstein wasn't kidding about the theory of relativity. Everything in the world was relative. Short, Tall, Fat, Slim, Rich, Poor- The Haves and the Have-nots.
Flicking her tongue across her lips, she felt the flakes of torn skin, caked with blood and immediately, the temptation to chew on it overwhelmed her like a crashing wave. Before she knew it, there was the salty taste of blood in her mouth and the familiar sting that once was pain, but now is nothing but a comfortable refuge from anxiety and fear.
How many times has she returned back to something that hurt her in order to hide from what might hurt? Too many, she thought, like there are stars in the sky and hairs on her head. Trying to comfort herself, she thought of the many people out there who do that on a daily basis. "It's a way of survival, a way to keep your sanity", she argued.
Still, she wondered how many more secrets she had kept buried, so deep that even she may never know. She knew that there was someone else who knew too. Someone who knew her most intimate secrets, from the day she was formed till the day she dies.
dreamt of @ 11:52 pm
It's been a while since a service spoke deeply to me, like today's service did. The service was entitled, " God, I imagine..." and on the bulletin, there's a very apt snapshot of a composition in the process of being written. The subject of the composition was simply, "God". In the snapshot, what was pictured was a couple of cancelled sentences and finally, a sentence that goes, "God, I imagine...".
During service, Pastor Jeff touched on the idea of how people tended to view God in a particular way and that affects our relationship with Him.
I guess it's true that a lot of us picture God in a certain way. For myself, I've always thought of God as my Daddy who's ever ready to give me a hug when i'm down and stroke my hair to sleep, which is why i often find it difficult to reconcile this image of God together with the "harsh" God that would carry His winnowing fork and seperate the wheat from the chaf.
However, what struck me about the service was the idea that many of us don't really believe that God wants to forgive us. In fact, i'd plead guilty in a second. While i believe that God loves me and wants to forgive me, I'd ask for forgiveness,believe that i am forgiven and an hour later go back to feeling extremely guilty and asking for forgiveness again. This cycle would go on until I am exhausted from prayer or confused about what i was actually praying for.
Like a typical Singaporean, i believed it was alright to ask for more forgiveness, but little did i realise that this was actually a reflection of my lack of faith; a lack of faith in the fact that God is compassionate and a loving Father.
In fact, by harbouring such disbelief, i was putting myself in the open for attacks from the devil because, " The devil condemns, but God convicts.". By allowing such disbelief to exist, I was allowing the devil to condemn me, making me feel guilty and habour negativity. While it is not wrong to feel guilty about things, i came to realise that i often lost sight of the true solution, but instead choose to wallow in worldly sorrow, which leads to death.
Thank God for His timely reminder!
Sleepy Ciaoz!
dreamt of @ 1:02 am
dreamt of @ 8:11 pm
To write.
The story that mirrors her life. Of the many mirrors in her life.
She increases her pace, bothered by the necessity of a rush. Silently, she laughs at the irony behind Man's life. Reminded once again of an email she received from a friend about God and man,she thought of the children who looked forward to an exciting life of powersuits, snazzy sports cars, champagne and dishes with foreign names that were harder to pronouce than "supercalifragalisticespialodocous". When these people finally do get it, they find themselves longing for the days of the carefree past. Just like herself, she thought.
At the ripe old age of twenty, going twenty-one, she recalled the days of yonder. She and her bosum friend had believed that at the age of twenty-one, one was supposed to own cars, houses and spent the day posing around in Shenton way in a powersuit. Sometimes they imagined they were super career women, other times, little spinsters, living in each other's spare bedrooms. The scenes may change but it was always under the stubby coconut tree by the slope that these dreams were created.
"I can still remember the scent of the grass and the comforting cacophony of sounds coming from the monkey bars," she thought aloud to herself. Wondering how life could be so different from what she had imagined, she unconsciously bit her lips.Tasting blood, she relunctantly stopped chewing on her lips and turned to focus on the road ahead.
"How apt," she thought, concious of the fact that she was at a crossroad, in more ways than one.
dreamt of @ 11:55 pm
" like they were frozen in time while lifting their hands in prayer or doing aerobics.", she whispered to herself.
Gazing at the ice blue sky which was striped with thick fluffy clouds, she felt herself falling into a silent reverie. Although the world around her was bustling with activity; honks of cars, birds squaking, leaves rustling, she heard none of these. Her minds was drifting back to the past, a past of ideals, of hope and infinite possibilities. A past in which everything she could be a little girl living in texas, an elf in the forest grove or a lover, cuddling her dearest in front of a roaring fire with a cup of hot cocoa.
Wistfully, she shook her head at the absurdity of desiring her graveyard full of buried dreams to be revived.Though the future offers great things because of A most wonderous lover, the pain at being consumed by the world was much greater than she could bear.
Shuddering at the thought of somehow being able to see herself suffocating inside, choked by the insidious vices of the world, she quickened her pace. "As long as i busy myself..." she mused, "the past would leave me alone."
She continued her day; a whirlwind of activities, loving, laughing, enjoying, but not living. The past has not left her nor will it let go its grip on her. Like a dam waiting to burst, she decided that there was only one way to get out of this mess...
dreamt of @ 12:35 am
jo lum
chilli
liars
To be able to concentrate on my studies!
16.09.1985
virgo
` likes.
novels
cats & nachos
anne of green gables
jughead
purple!
dreaming..
believing in the goodness of the world
` don't-likes.
being disappointed
mud on my shoes (yuck)
gravyyyyyyyyy on my riceeeee =P
murtabak! =s
blockheads
To go for my canada trip with Pammie-gal!
To have my 21st birthday celebration in Esmiridas!
To have more faith!
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certain quotes from certain places.. "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trials because when he stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him." James 1:12 "Oh, nothing can happen more than once, But all things must happen one day Over hill and dale, over wood and stream, My dying voice will blow away... " The Neverending story "Walk by Faith, Not by sight" 2 Corinthians 5:7 |