We are often told that God is the greatest giver of all, the one who wants to bless us all the time. We are also told that God wants the best for us. Today, i found out that i did not really understand those promises as much as i thought i did.
Today, on the 17th of November 2006, I took 2 of my 3 exam papers for the semester, the first being AB311, otherwise known as Strategic Management or SM and the second being Hp304 Learning and Behaviour analysis. Having done poor preparation for both papers, the first mostly somewhat covered with the exception case study and the second, almost close to nothing, i underwent one of the worst exam experiences that i ever did.
Although being prompted a number of times to study a particular set of supplementary notes for AB311, i was too distracted to actually carry it out. Distracted by what? Distracted by games, television cartoons, dust mites flying around, you name it, i've got it. Lo and Behold, the information from the set of notes came out for the exams and it was worth a good 15 marks. It was also the very first question, which really demoralised me for the rest of the paper. Although i managed to finish the paper, i can clearly say that not even half of what i had intended to write is on that paper.
Next, the infamous HP304 exams which could possibly earn the title of being the very first module that i failed. I'm serious, so wipe that disbelieving look and store those words of convenience comfort away. What else would you expect from someone who did not even study the book once through. This time round, i could only effectively answer 20 out of 100 of the marks. Although the paper only constitutes 50% of my module grades, let me assure you that the other 50% isn't exactly in the bag.
To be brutally honest, I begged in the examination hall. I begged for an inspiration from God, for forgiveness, for grace, in short, i begged for good grades. I plead and yet deep inside me i felt an odd sense of resignation. Not the resignation that is filled with resentment, rather the resignation that is filled with an understanding of the reason for this gift. This gift of silence.
Most people will wonder why i consider this "lack of aid" from God a gift and let me say that i have a reason for it. The reason is simply that I was blind.
I was blinded to the fact that it isn't the things happening around me that distracted me from doing my work. It is my pride. A pride that is built on my past successes, a pride that led me to think that i could study a 400 page book in 2 hours ( now that i think of it, could be stupidity as well =p). What no rational person would think of doing, i did so twice in my short life of 21 years. The first of which was in secondary school when i studied for my O level's biology paper just 3 hours before the exams and the second is this.
I used to be proud of it. Now i'm not. I'm not proud of this mediocre performance which i try to pass off as intelligence. Nope... no longer will i believe that these are acts of intelligence but rather of extreme stupidity and pride. (seems like these 2 always come together...) That's why i thank God for this gift. This gift of having a chance to realize just how puffed up i was and really about nothing (much ado about nothing. =)
In the bible, it is said tha t" he has scattered those who are proud in their innermost thoughts and that "He who ignores discipline despises himself," hence, its really a fantastic gift of falling hard so as to know what really is in my heart. I'm thankful to be disciplined as well for "because the Lord disciplines those he loves and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."
When the day of the results come, i will still pray for mercy and the Lord's grace but i think my prayer list is going to get longer because i'm definitely including the prayer against pride and for self-discipline and obedience.
Ciaoz!
dreamt of @ 1:36 am
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` Tagboard.
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` wordsWorth.
certain quotes from certain places..
"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trials because when he stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him." James 1:12
"Oh, nothing can happen more than once,
But all things must happen one day
Over hill and dale, over wood and stream,
My dying voice will blow away... " The Neverending story
"Walk by Faith, Not by sight" 2 Corinthians 5:7
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