``___**romantic fool^**

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Pastor Jas said last saturday that to doubt is to waver between believing and not believing. I think that it's a very apt description of doubt because its not as clear cut as disbelief or belief and the kind of emotions involved in it is equally complex.

Imagine that you are being asked to walk over a gaping cavern filled with crocodiles from a bridge. Simple enough? Only thing is, you can't see the bridge. It's there but it's, for the purpose of illustration, sprayed with invisible paint. Now you can see the crocodiles but not the bridge. While you know that the bridge is there because you tried testing it with a foot, you can't exactly be sure that it's there all the way.

What would you do? To make things more complicated or simple to some others, God tells you personally that the bridge is there and His hand is under the bridge in case you fall. Would you walk?

That's how i feel now. I'm wavering between trusting Him wholeheartly and fearing about the bridge and the hand not being there. It's so easy in the morning when the day is bright and God seems to beckon from every corner through people, the sun, the wind, the greenery yet it is when night falls that doubt starts to creep in. Insidiously. Some days, God's presence is so strong that I forget those doubts, other days, like tonight, I feel the doubt slowly creeping in and planting it's horrid roots in my heart. Feelings of failure and rejection.. I'm specifically bothered by my job searches. I remember Xingni saying that Satan can affect us by making us feel inadequate and fearful. Now that i'm going through this so frequently, i can testify that it is a very powerful weapon. But I still want to trust that God has His Hand there and the bridge built by Him is very sturdy. Dilemma. I wish Satan never existed. Why does he have to come and destory this relationship we have with God?

Darn.Darn.Darn... I'm going to ask God later why he created Satan in the first place if he knew that Satan is going to be so bad.

Ciaoz.

dreamt of @ 1:19 am

--------------------

Friday, April 13, 2007

What is a good book, I ask you?

Is it not one that takes you to the heights of exhilaration and to the depths of dispair? Is it not one that draws you in and makes you part of the story, where you laugh with the kindred spirits and cry with them in their sorrows? Is it not one where the race of Joseph sits in a wee little house o'er the shore or where kindred spirits bond over green spotted china dogs or in a love glorified Green gables?

How its magic lingers over the years! Why, it almost grows with me.. I've read it since I was 8 and now i'm 21 and still... it weaves such inexplicable unaging wonder over me. I dream again.. of the shores beyond, of the beauty of late spring nights on a well-trodden path which love, friendship, sorrow, laughter have consecrated and is perfumed by the lilies of the nile, the mayflowers, violets and the home of the ebony elusive Echo.

They say sex sells, gore grabs and horror heightens, but I say, give me a good-story full of love, friendship, family, bee-yew-ti-ful scenaries, laughter, sorrow and hope and i'll give you a story you'll never be weary of reading or ashamed of sharing with your grandchildren.

Such a book is the one that Anne lives in. Such is the book that Lucy Maud wrote.

dreamt of @ 9:55 am

--------------------

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Haven't had time to get around dusting my "wee lettle" blog but thankfully it hasn't grown moldy or anything. =) Actually, i have to confess that it is more of laziness than the lack of time that made my postings so few and infrequent.

Well, on the spur of the moment, i decided to see if i could find anything about my dear old primary school. I was really worried that it had been "swallowed up and merged" into one of those superprimarys for the sheer lack of resources or as they like to put it "for economy's sake". Thankfully, it's still around, alive and kicking! For interested JPS alumnus, here's the link :http://schools.moe.edu.sg/jurong/facil.htm

I don't suppose i'll ever forgot my dearie old school because the memories associated with it are so deeply etched in my mind. It's the place where my secret world of imaginary fantasy first flourished, the place where i found my 2 kindred spirits, who turned out to become my 2 bestest,best friends (though, one of them become my "bosumest" buddy), the place where i first fell in love, the place where i first learnt to dislike math (sadly..), the place where Pam and I made our promise to be "little homly old maids and sleep in spare bed rooms" like Anne and Diana and to visit Green Gables when we are the veritable age of 21.

21 has come and is going and i'm still nowhere near Canada. Revisiting old memories only makes me wonder if things could have been different but as Stella said and so i quote "Of all sad words of tongue or pen, The saddest are these: "It might have been!" Anyway, it would never have worked out, i know it in my bones so i shalln't go on thinking about what will not and has not come to pass. I'm going to just dig my toes in, grit my teeth and hope that this wave of foolishness will pass me by. Soon i shall be business like, drained of emotions that my deceitful heart is manipulating in the hope that i will once again fall into that trap of , i shalln't say. Maybe if i dont say it, it won't come to pass.

There, it feels really good to be able to write like the past and not worry of corrections or comments that it isn't "succint, business-like or adultish" enough. Why do i have to be a business person or worse a financial person? Why don't you do it yourself? Enough of ramblings though, this is meant as a wonderful chance to reminiscine about the past days of yonder. Days when days and nights were filled with imaginings of Green Gables, of Lover's Lane, the Lake of Shining Waters, Violet's Vale, Dyrad's Bubble and of course my beloved, Anne, Gilbert, Diana, Marilla, Matthew, Ms Lynde, Ms Lavendar, Paul and so many more. Don't expect me to tell you who they are, kindred spirits recognise kindred spirits like dandelions know the wind.

Just grant me a night to be wilful and irresponsible... A night when i can dream of my heart's desires and really live a life and not just have a life.

P.S. Can anyone ever have a strong hold over another without even realising it?

dreamt of @ 11:06 pm

--------------------

` links.

pammie

ah sam

kai kai

Jas

Sze Chao

Sze Chao's personal

Sherwyn

Wan Ting
Pastor Jeff
Pastor Ben

Hope-NYC South

` Tagboard.

` wordsWorth.

certain quotes from certain places..
"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trials because when he stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him." James 1:12
"Oh, nothing can happen more than once, But all things must happen one day Over hill and dale, over wood and stream, My dying voice will blow away... " The Neverending story
"Walk by Faith, Not by sight" 2 Corinthians 5:7