Pastor Jas said last saturday that to doubt is to waver between believing and not believing. I think that it's a very apt description of doubt because its not as clear cut as disbelief or belief and the kind of emotions involved in it is equally complex.
Imagine that you are being asked to walk over a gaping cavern filled with crocodiles from a bridge. Simple enough? Only thing is, you can't see the bridge. It's there but it's, for the purpose of illustration, sprayed with invisible paint. Now you can see the crocodiles but not the bridge. While you know that the bridge is there because you tried testing it with a foot, you can't exactly be sure that it's there all the way.
What would you do? To make things more complicated or simple to some others, God tells you personally that the bridge is there and His hand is under the bridge in case you fall. Would you walk?
That's how i feel now. I'm wavering between trusting Him wholeheartly and fearing about the bridge and the hand not being there. It's so easy in the morning when the day is bright and God seems to beckon from every corner through people, the sun, the wind, the greenery yet it is when night falls that doubt starts to creep in. Insidiously. Some days, God's presence is so strong that I forget those doubts, other days, like tonight, I feel the doubt slowly creeping in and planting it's horrid roots in my heart. Feelings of failure and rejection.. I'm specifically bothered by my job searches. I remember Xingni saying that Satan can affect us by making us feel inadequate and fearful. Now that i'm going through this so frequently, i can testify that it is a very powerful weapon. But I still want to trust that God has His Hand there and the bridge built by Him is very sturdy. Dilemma. I wish Satan never existed. Why does he have to come and destory this relationship we have with God?
Darn.Darn.Darn... I'm going to ask God later why he created Satan in the first place if he knew that Satan is going to be so bad.
Ciaoz.
dreamt of @ 1:19 am
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` Tagboard.
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` wordsWorth.
certain quotes from certain places..
"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trials because when he stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him." James 1:12
"Oh, nothing can happen more than once,
But all things must happen one day
Over hill and dale, over wood and stream,
My dying voice will blow away... " The Neverending story
"Walk by Faith, Not by sight" 2 Corinthians 5:7
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