It's like history all over again.
DXX and AXX = Fabian.
One was a friend who backstabbed me (For what reason, I still don't know)
The other was a fellow brother in Christ who did the same.
This time round, it's a junior from my secondary school band ( A fellow brother in Christ who backstabbed for the worse of reasons).
Only, the main target isn't me but Tun Kai.
I'm honestly sadden (after the anger has subsided) by the betrayal he has committed, not just to Tunkai but to the entire alumni band.
All this while, I thought he was a dedicated and very enthusiatic member and that I was being too harsh on him. Unfortunately, he has a streak of meanness in him that revealed itself in the worse way.
To become the president of the alumni band, he risked the relationship between the main band and the alumni and backstabbed the person who was intending to groom him as the next leader of the band.
To Fabian,
I don't suppose you would be reading this but if you happen to, remember, what goes around, comes around. See Psalms 37.
To CMB Sec 4s,
You may disagree with whatever I've written above but consider this. If he can betray his conductor (i.e. BT) and his seniors for power, do you think his tongue would spare you? Remember, a gossip betrays confidence. It is only fun when you are not on the receiving end.
To the alumni,
You deserve to know the truth. If you need to know what happened, come and ask me.
Spoilted Day.
dreamt of @ 1:12 am
Met up with an old friend today. An old friend whom I grew up with and whom I watched grow up. I'm not sure I like what happened to __ though. Seems like the happy person is slowly disappearing into a the quicksand of indifference.
A few learning points from this incident.
1) When you think you are doing fine as a friend, consider the number of times you (a) thought of your friend, (b) tried to find out about their lives, (c)is updated about the troubles they are going through.
2) Don't try to justify your actions/ lack of actions after trust is lost.
3) Never give up on the person unless you really think that you're ready and able to completely wipe the memories of the person from your life.
Honestly, I sometimes feel that I only have limited capacity in my heart. Find it so difficult to remember to care about people. I think that's self-centredness. All who agree with me, breathe.
I know it's supposed to be the other way round (i.e. Care about people therefore you will remember to ask about them.) but I'm finding it really really hard. It brings me back to the same question that I've asked myself loads of times: Why are you so lousy at keeping friends?
Naivity makes me believe that time stops for me. Reality wakes me up to the truth that everyone's gone.
dreamt of @ 9:28 pm
Suddenly I miss my long hair.
The impact of change usually grabs you when you are alone and feeling vulnerable. Sneak. I'm such a creature of habit. In all sense of the word.
Not
I've been told that you've got to let go so that God can put something better in place. I think I've never really internalized that lesson completely. In some areas, I'm fine with it but I simply suck in others. I've been told that I'd apologise a thousand times for the most trivial of mistakes but it will take a jack to pry out a sorry from me when something major occurs. That's how I am.
I want to change that. I'm not exactly sure how I can go about doing that or how long I'll last being the creature of habit that I am. I'm pretty certain I need extra doses of the HS and in God's account books, I'm probably listed as one of the top grievers of HS. Darn. My heart is my weakness. I think I like people too easily, which is why I don't really like to be close friends with guys. Then again, it doesn't seem like the healthiest way to solve the problem. I wonder if I was built with an extra amygdala (hope i didn't spell that wrongly).
One day, I'm gonna forget you completely. I'm almost succeeding so don't you dare appear anywhere near me in the next 20 centuries. If you value your life and sanity, don't ever mention it to me again.=_=
On a cheery note, life's pretty much on the upslope. Things are looking bright and the economies booming. This sounds really PC after all my ranting. It's ok though.. I think you've fallowed sufficiently such that no one really thinks I write in you anymore. =) Makes me feel kinda lousy and grateful at the same time. I know people are going to say that if I wanted privacy, I should golly well write in a traditional lock and key diary but hey! this is the 21st century and I type faster than I write. Besides, I love the look of my blog and it makes reading all the entries much more interesting.
Passing Phase of Pre-Quarter life musings. Ciao.
dreamt of @ 2:13 am
To say it popped into my mind would be a gross misrepresentation. The truth was it crept in. Like a friend who realises that maybe you're quiet enough inside to actually hear wisps of truth. Testing water... bit by bit.. saying the words that are egnimetic at best and impalatable at worse.
Inventory check. Pruning of branches. The true vine. The winnowing fork.
I have a few questions for you. You know who you are.
Have you ever felt like giving up?
What are you trying to tell me about courage?
Why do I look back suddenly and see a true grave of buried dreams?
Is this how it feels like to wake up and see a part of the truth?
Is this why You don't tell us everything because knowing everything and what to do doesn't make problems simpler. It just gives you more alternatives.
Are you ashamed of me?
Answers aren't exactly going to satisfy me. Not words. Spoken or written. What is it I need... Assurance. Is it assurance? Do they all do things perfectly or at least always with you in mind? How come I find it so hard to? You know it feels bad when I see the look in her eyes. The look that makes me feel like a bug only smaller. Cowardice breeds Cowardice.
Don't think i'd have made it to Gyffindor. Cut. Me. Free.
dreamt of @ 10:12 pm
Life is at a new stage for me. Coping with new responsibilities like bills, job searches, life choices etc. Some people face it as per a new and exciting challenge. Other dread it. Me? Sometimes I feel like it's exciting and full of promises. Other times, it feels like I suddenly awoke from a deep sleep to find that i'm on a raft in the middle of an immense stretch of ocean with no apparent end and no compass. I might have a fishing rod and nets but it's not enough for me to just sit in the middle of the ocean, not knowing what's on the other end.
Should I sit there and lead the rest of my life? Should I sail left, or right? Nautically speaking, there are at least 8 specific directions; North, North East, East, South East, South, South West, West North West. For myself.. it seems like there is an enormous number of directions and at the same time, none.
The key is contentment. Or is the key, aspirations?
How can I live with just contentment? But reality bites.
Many advises.Many perspectives. Is it always a "I'm sorry" or "Give up your dreams"? Why can't it be that my dreams don't lead me down the path of letting someone down?
dreamt of @ 12:34 pm
It's been ages since I last blogged. Apparently, it's the same for most of my friends, with the exception of Samantha. Anyway, i've officially joined in the lifeless class of working adults, my great craving is having more hours to sleep each day. Working life isn't very fun. No.. corrections, it isn't fun when you consider how much you need to spend to work. That plus what you sacrifice. Look at the equation below:
Cost of work = start up costs ( clothes, make-up etc) + periodical maintenance costs (refilling those stuff mentioned before) + transport (adult's fare) + food + income taxes + duty allowances to family + telephone bills + other miscellaneous stuff ( e.g. paying for people's meals or treats...) + opportunity cost of sleeping + opportunity cost of self actualization ( upgrading yourself etc... in things you enjoy) + emotional stress + work stress
Benefits of work = Salary
So, when you look at the equation...
Conclusion = Salary < Cost of work.
To the people who have started work with me or before me... hope you guys are enjoying your jobs. I wish I knew what I really want. I'm amazed at people who can just stay on in a job for years even though they don't like the job. Salute! (right hand!)Seriously amazed by you all. I wonder how my dad felt working for 11 years in a place that he didn't like and in a job that he didn't fancy. Maybe I'm too pampered and I know that I probably irritated some of my friends because i've been complaining and whining about my job searches and job related decisions. It's hard to let go and as much as I wish to, I can't stop thinking about it. It's like a knife that's stuck in my heart, not too deep that I die instantly but deep enough for me to keep bleeding. Maybe you don't understand that's why your remarks weren't very appropriate. Admittedly I was hurt. Very hurt actually.. but no.. it's not going to bother me. I need to go back...home.. home on the range.
I don't want a life like yours. Nor do I want to be you. I'll stick to not sharing then. It's easier that way. Afterall, not everyone needs to know what I do with my life and I don't think you need to either.
dreamt of @ 12:49 am
Pastor Jas said last saturday that to doubt is to waver between believing and not believing. I think that it's a very apt description of doubt because its not as clear cut as disbelief or belief and the kind of emotions involved in it is equally complex.
Imagine that you are being asked to walk over a gaping cavern filled with crocodiles from a bridge. Simple enough? Only thing is, you can't see the bridge. It's there but it's, for the purpose of illustration, sprayed with invisible paint. Now you can see the crocodiles but not the bridge. While you know that the bridge is there because you tried testing it with a foot, you can't exactly be sure that it's there all the way.
What would you do? To make things more complicated or simple to some others, God tells you personally that the bridge is there and His hand is under the bridge in case you fall. Would you walk?
That's how i feel now. I'm wavering between trusting Him wholeheartly and fearing about the bridge and the hand not being there. It's so easy in the morning when the day is bright and God seems to beckon from every corner through people, the sun, the wind, the greenery yet it is when night falls that doubt starts to creep in. Insidiously. Some days, God's presence is so strong that I forget those doubts, other days, like tonight, I feel the doubt slowly creeping in and planting it's horrid roots in my heart. Feelings of failure and rejection.. I'm specifically bothered by my job searches. I remember Xingni saying that Satan can affect us by making us feel inadequate and fearful. Now that i'm going through this so frequently, i can testify that it is a very powerful weapon. But I still want to trust that God has His Hand there and the bridge built by Him is very sturdy. Dilemma. I wish Satan never existed. Why does he have to come and destory this relationship we have with God?
Darn.Darn.Darn... I'm going to ask God later why he created Satan in the first place if he knew that Satan is going to be so bad.
Ciaoz.
dreamt of @ 1:19 am
jo lum
chilli
liars
To be able to concentrate on my studies!
16.09.1985
virgo
` likes.
novels
cats & nachos
anne of green gables
jughead
purple!
dreaming..
believing in the goodness of the world
` don't-likes.
being disappointed
mud on my shoes (yuck)
gravyyyyyyyyy on my riceeeee =P
murtabak! =s
blockheads
To go for my canada trip with Pammie-gal!
To have my 21st birthday celebration in Esmiridas!
To have more faith!
|
certain quotes from certain places.. "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trials because when he stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him." James 1:12 "Oh, nothing can happen more than once, But all things must happen one day Over hill and dale, over wood and stream, My dying voice will blow away... " The Neverending story "Walk by Faith, Not by sight" 2 Corinthians 5:7 |